until you fall asleep. [Thursday July 21st, 2005 at 5:26pm] [ mood | eighty-seven sniffles. ] [ music | amie; damien rice. ] [flashback]. Wednesday, 15th of June, 2005. 8:00 PM. Three days. He is still here. I will call him at midnight and tell him I cannot sleep, but really, it is because I want to hear his voice before I do. Am I afraid? Yes. Of what? Change. I think in one way or another, we are all afraid of change. And in one way or another, we embrace change. I want change but I am afraid of change. I'm such a walking contradiction that sometimes I wonder how it is I manage to have a personality at all. Even now, as I write truth, I wonder if I do not write it just for the sake of writing, or just for the sake of sounding good or philosophical. But things change. People change. He will still be he, but I want to look back and see. On the 15th of June 2005, he is still 6'3". 185 pounds of soon-to-be-Marine, with silky brown hair cropped close, matching brown eyes that surprisingly, will shift to shades of black or green. And those eyes- some would call them wide, others sleepy. To me, they are a mixture of both. Face wise, he is almost symmetrical. Chiselled and even, just by his face, you’d deem him one of your strong, silent types. He could be a statue—carved out to reflect power in reserve. One of those statues that face out stoically as tourists pass by, admiring every curve of muscle, every shape of limb. His smile is quiet, and yet it is louder than all his words put together. William Allen Brown. First two names mean… handsome protector? It's so cheesy that I can't help but crack a smile. Maybe he is your strong, silent type, but I know him well enough to know that he's a kid at heart. Billy the Kid—the name clicks. You see, if I were to describe him, he wouldn't be one of those statues. If anything, Billy is the desert. He is not stone; he is sand. Chipped stone- stone that has crumbled into a thousand pieces and more. As hard and yet so fragile that just one swipe of your fingers will leave marks. He is as smooth and uneven as the powder that covers the face of the desert. All at once, he’s predictable and unpredictable. You know exactly what you are in for... and yet, you were never expecting to find an oasis right there—or quicksand. And you can hear the mirth in his laughter as he catches you unaware. He is steadfast—though the night chills you, every morning, the sun rises again, erasing the cold and repainting with heat. Every morning. Does he cry? As often as the rain falls in the desert. He’s feverish and scorching—intense, unrelenting, unreasonable, and fiery—and yet, he’s beautiful and comforting. Miles and miles of the same thing, are miles and miles of something so strangely, horrendously wonderful, seen only when you look close enough to find the difference in those scars on those rocks, the scratches along the dunes. He is he, and he won’t make excuses, nor will he ever give reason; but he is who he is, and he is warm, he is brittle, he is calm and chaotic. [/flashback]. ___________________________________________________ bought: cropped top, corduroy. earrings, coins. bag, camel. to buy: one-way ticket to cincinnati, ohio. blink

for a stranger. [Sunday May 1st, 2005 at 7:25pm] [ mood | still. ] [ music | silence. ] entry number one- creative writing. well, not really that creative. if you want to know what runs inside my head, then click away. ted is in milwaukee, or however you spell it, to watch sports in a dome xD. i am so clueless... but i know he likes... cinccinati something. it'll be good for him to take a break. and i'm not going to lie, it's good for us both. everything exploded, yesterday. everything exploded and i already had resolved to leave. and it's funny how love- just one thing, teaches you everything else. forgiveness. acceptance. hope. i want to make it. i want us to make it. but i don't want to hand my heart over and have it dashed to the ground. there's a risk when you're dealing with love. you could snap my neck. i don't know anything, and all i know is that there is still beauty and today i found beauty and i will take one day at a time. and that God loves me and that he feels as deeply as i do. and that i am taking steps- i'm taking baby steps. one step at a time. i feel so free. i wrote a song, and music with it. i love the piano. blink

electronica. [Saturday April 30th, 2005 at 9:25am] [ mood | easy. ] [ music | nowhere; aqualung ] __ just because it is the end of the beginning doesn't mean it is the beginning of the end. __ things are only as easy as you make them. clintZon was right. so often, i sit around wishing it were the good ol` days- when everyday could be the good ol` days. i mean, of course, you'll have days that stand out- but every single day can be amazing. i've always despised clingy women- girls that can't hold their own without a man, girls that are noting without their other half. and that's precisely what they are- half a person. pity that the half they are, are not themselves. love doesn't equal loss of who you are. and i don't want to be that- i don't want to be in shattered puddles all over a linoleum floor because i can't breathe without him. individuality is such a precious, precious gift. originality, creativity, you. i don't want to lose myself to any human being, to depend on someone else to make me happy. to have somebody there to make you smile is beautiful, but to set them underneath the lights and label them as your highest and only source of joy is a surefire road to losing yourself. love- does it get any easier? things are only as easy as you make them. and these lazy, crazy days, i love to spend with him. and i'll still fight for what we have. and i'll miss him to death when he goes. but i'll smile, because i am still me, and beauty is in the eye of the beholder, and the world is beautiful. i've completed most of a piano piece that i'm composing. i call it April, but it paints a picture of him. blink

love me in the rain. [Friday April 29th, 2005 at 3:16pm] [ mood | life is life. ] [ music | clark gable; the postal service ] and when you scan the radio i hope this song will guide you home. it's been such a rough week, emotionally. everything looks perfect from far away. i'm trying. i really am. i'm trying. we're both trying. literary portrait. him. he's intense. he can set things on fire with an ease that can so often be mistaken for ignorance. he's surprisingly intelligent, taking things in stride- but though he does, it's easy for him to feel like he's being attacked. and he'll fight back- he's a born fighter. there is no in between- he's tranquil, calm- or he's coming at you with everything he has. he hates bitterly, loves passionately, and there is purpose in the things that he does. stubborn, determined, playful, serious, sensitive- strong and yet he knows that a part of him is weak. he is growing, he is hated, he is admired, he is loved, and he is mine. blink

strum. [Wednesday April 13th, 2005 at 9:45am] [ mood | la la laaaaa ] [ music | too young; phoenix. ] from you, one look just one look and everything is shattered from you one word towers burn and fall. __ forevermore, we dream. __ it's his birthday tomorrow. i'm excited o_0. xD. i'm gonna go shopping at like... two, three. and then send it all tomorrow. my mom's dog ran away today. which suXxorZ cause she really liked it. i hope it comes back. even though it was scared of me. and when animals are scared of me, i get so tempted to chase them. so i chased the dog ;\. yesterday, though. like... i know it wasn't that freaked out. it was just funny cause animals are funny when they're scared. i'm not abusive, i just like MANGO JUICE. and fiona has this sickening sadistic addiction to guts. THE POOR, SICK CHILD. even though she tried to blame it on miki. who blamed it on the guys. it's adam and eve all over again. no wonder the human race is so twisted. you know you're twisted if you buy fighting fish just to fulfill your morbid desires of blood and watery insides >////. i love lost in translation. it made me sad but it was more real than any other movie i'd seen in a long time. i don't know if that's good or bad. are movies supposed to take you away from the real world? or are they just art, an expression of something? or just pure storytelling? i guess the storytellers nowadays are the moviemakers as well as authors. geeZ. i thought my life was stuffed up but... blah de dah DON'T GOSSIP. me and my cousin want to start a fashion label. xDDD. it's so nice to dream big. i wanna call it gordian attic. or fracas bare. tacticalfrostbite (11:54:20 AM): Take that quiz about me tacticalfrostbite (11:54:23 AM): See how much you know tacticalfrostbite (12:12:53 PM): You scored a 60 youleftroses (12:12:57 PM): SHUSH youleftroses (12:12:59 PM): ;[ tacticalfrostbite (12:12:59 PM): Even Anni scored higher youleftroses (12:13:16 PM): i failed on your sports and your violent tendencies youleftroses (12:13:43 PM): ._. tacticalfrostbite (12:13:43 PM): =\ youleftroses (12:13:46 PM): -eyes tear up- tacticalfrostbite (12:13:53 PM): Did you miss both the sports questions? youleftroses (12:14:00 PM): yes ;; tacticalfrostbite (12:14:03 PM): Omg youleftroses (12:14:11 PM): -CRY- tacticalfrostbite (12:14:14 PM): If my favorite baseball team is the CINCINNATI Reds youleftroses (12:14:19 PM): QUIET. youleftroses (12:14:22 PM): OMG tacticalfrostbite (12:14:30 PM): You'd think you could get the next question about football, the CINCINNATI Bengals youleftroses (12:14:35 PM): -GOES AND DIES IN A CORNER LABELED LOW SCORERS- tacticalfrostbite (12:14:57 PM): On top of that, there was a question about my hat, which said 'C' for Cincinnati youleftroses (12:15:18 PM): ............................................LET THE DEAD REST IN PEACE, BABY. youleftroses (12:18:03 PM): FINE. youleftroses (12:18:05 PM): I'LL MAKE A QUIZ youleftroses (12:18:12 PM): WE'LL SEE WHAT YOU GET >/ tacticalfrostbite (12:48:07 PM): -hugs n kisses- tacticalfrostbite (12:48:10 PM): 90 babe youleftroses (12:48:16 PM): ............................. youleftroses (12:48:19 PM): ASKJERHKSFHSKETFHESFK youleftroses (12:48:26 PM): -scream- youleftroses (12:48:43 PM): -cries- teddy and i keep leaving messages for each other when we're not online. i love him so much. he makes me feel beautiful. 1 blink

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